How many times did you hesitate doing something you really wanted for fear of failing or fear of making a fool out of yourself in front of others ? How many times did you not raise your hand and kept your mouth shut when there was something you really wanted to say ? How many times did you tell yourself that you are not good enough to take that chance ?
Well, you are not alone. None of us is immune to fear – of failing, of rejection, of criticism, of disapproval…
In fact, whenever we enter unfamiliar territory or we put ourselves out there into the world, we experience fear.
I know fear well. What you need to know about me is that I have lived my life with many fears. In fact, the seeds of fear have been planted in me in my childhood by my well intentioned and over protective mother. “That is dangerous, you are going to hurt yourself, don’t do it.” She still tells me to this day. So I have been constantly second guessing my decisions, doubting my skills, and playing it safe.
Sure, I achieved some level of success. I have been an executive manager for more than a decade where I sit on boards and make strategic decisions but the reality is that when dealing with incredibly smart people in senior roles, I would get intimidated and could not help thinking I did not deserve to be in that room. I struggled to find the courage to raise my voice and put my ideas forward.
Fortunately, I have started to give the first steps and learn to look at fear not as a monster that controls my life but a companion that does not stop me from moving forward unless I allow it to.
The thing about fear is that it can hold us back and keep us from experiencing life the way we want to experience it. It’s much like driving a car with foggy windows, you kind of see where you are going but you will need to slow down as you might be afraid to hit something accidentally.
I have driven this car with foggy windows for many years so it comes as no surprise when I tell you that I have given into my fears more times than I can count. Instead of following my passion and what inspires me, I stayed at that job and in that company for years as I kept telling myself that, “it’s better not to change, at least I know my job and the company. After all, I have been doing this for a long time.”
Fear is like a rubber band: it pulls us right back into our comfort zone and away from opportunities.
And it is easy to get stuck in this rut.
The reason why our fears slow us down or even paralyze us has to do with a lack of understanding.
What we fail to understand, we fail to acknowledge, and therefore fail to act on it.
Marie Curie said “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so we may fear less”.
What is fear?
Fear is nothing more than an unpleasant emotion or thought that something dangerous, painful, or undesirable is happening or will happen in the future. And while fear is there to protect us and to allow us to respond quickly if our survival is at risk, if left unchecked, it can infiltrate every area of our lives with disastrous consequences.
Fear creates a painful emotional response characterized by alarm, dread, and disquiet as it perceives a threat. Our heart rate increases, we start breathing faster, and in many occasions our face flushes as the blood rushes to our head and brain.
Fear can trigger in us a frantic action in an attempt to get away from it. Indeed, the acronym F.E.A.R. is sometimes described as meaning F*ck Everything And Run.
Let’s be honest, we all have done it at some point in our lives. When faced with a situation that scares us, or intimidates us, or puts us in a position where we think we will be judged or criticized, we have found excuses in an attempt to escape the situation.
Remember that project you abandoned because you felt overwhemed with all the many things you had to do? Or that potential business prospect call you never made because you were certain he would have said no? Or that idea that you just gave up because you convinced yourself it was a stupid idea anyway?
When I was doing my Executive Coaching Program I had to write a dissertation with my original coaching tool and present it in front of a jury and my coaching colleagues. The fear of failure and rejection kicked in so strong that I found a million excuses why I could not do it. I even wrote to the school to convince them to let me do it a few months later. Luckily, the school did not give me a way out and I just had to bite the bullet and write it.
Fear can also freeze us.
Did you ever had a colleague or a boss had a go at you and you just sat there in silence unable to find the words for defense or rebuttal? I used to have a colleague like that in the management team – she would bombard me with so many questions that while I was still thinking how to reply to the first question, she was already spitting the 5th question out. I felt I just could not catch up with her. I felt unintelligent. I felt under attack and so many times, I froze and stood there with a red face unable to mutter a word, afraid I would cry if I would dare to try.
Fear can also cause us to get into fight mode. Have you ever felt so stressed with some work deadlines and the little collaboration from your colleagues that you have sent a mean email?
In 2018, I was undergoing a lot of stress at work as the company was discussing the very real possibility of closing down my business activity with its inevitable consequence of loss of jobs for my teammates and the end of a project that I work so hard to implement and develop. I just lashed out and screamed at one of my team members one fine day because she shared information that I thought it would play against us in this delicate situation. In my over 15 years of being a manager I never, ever raised my voice to anyone but I felt under threat and therefore my fight response was activated.
The problem with the above behaviors is that not only does it drain your energy and erode your confidence but also holds you back from achieving what you want in life.
So, the real question is: what are you going to do about it?
Having fear is natural. Letting it stop you from going after your dreams is unreasonable.
We can’t escape fear, we all feel it, we all react to it. But if at every time fear knocks on your door telling you “don’t do it ”, you listen to that voice and you let it win. This voice will become stronger, your confidence will become weaker, and you will never step outside your comfort zone to go after the life that you truly want and deserve.
Take me for example...
I am terrified about writing this post (it’s my first!), I have agonized over it for weeks now and yes it feels a bit uncomfortable. I have almost given up a couple of times too. But I feel the fear and I am doing it anyway. I know it will not be perfect and that’s OK because I am putting myself out there. I am learning and most importantly I am taking one step forward towards the life I want to live. It is a journey, one step at a time, one act of braveness after another is the path to overcome your fears.
Luckily, being brave is a habit and like all habits, it can be learned. It may seem like an unconquerable mountain that you will never be able to climb. If you are an inexperienced climber you will not start by climbing Mount Everest but you will start by climbing a smaller mountain.
Similarly, to exercise you braveness muscle, start small. And as you train and understand the steps you need to take and the equipment you need to use in order to climb the mountain, you will gain understanding, confidence, and the physical condition to successfully climb Mount Everest.
The same is true to be able to conquer fear. It takes time, it takes effort but it can be done.
Many have done it, so can you!
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