"The most important thing I think about when I think about getting to happiness, is not so much owning anything. It's the ability to not hear anything but yourself. There's nothing more powerful than when everything gets quiet, and the only thing that penetrates is your own voice, and that voice isn't judging you" Gary V
I think we are never truly happy because we expect happiness to be a destination that can never be truly achieved.
Cloud 9 is a fictional place where people say they are when they express happiness in the rawest and truest sense. I’ve been there a few times myself. My round at Winged Foot Golf Club, the night I found out someone I liked a lot for awhile liked me back and we talked all night, the feelings I get when my work is recognized and praised.
Imagine with me for a second. Standing on a fluffy white cloud with the warm sunshine beaming down on you. No fear in the world, just embracing the moment. You feel the warmth of the sun on your cheek and the slight breeze.
Your length of time on Cloud 9 is individualized but we all come back down to earth as some point. Why are there no homes on Cloud 9? Why can’t we stay there forever?
I’ll skip the part of attempting to build homes on dry air, water molecules, and ice particles. They wouldn’t stay up for long. The more you think about this concept of living on a permanent high of happiness, let me ask: would you appreciate it after awhile?
If I think back on all of the moments I’ve felt truly happy, they’ve all felt a little different. With fitness, it's reaching a new personal record. Lifting weight that I never have before. I think that happiness stems from the confidence and patience I had in myself that I would eventually reach that milestone and those are the subsequent emotions that follow.
Imagine a lightbulb in the middle of your chest. For me, it feels like it’s slowly getting brighter and brighter in that instance and I feel a sense of warmth. A sense of fullness and accomplishment.
Happiness in acquiring a new client feels different. I know I can provide them what they want and I am excited to bring it to them and watch them grow. I am happy in this instance never mistake that. But the work is just beginning here. Knowing that someone trusts in me to take them to another level is something I'm truly honored and grateful for.
Love: well, love is where we find the most intense emotions when it comes to happiness. In the beginning stages, it will have us questioning our every word and move. Analyzing the situation to see if the other person feels the same way and all that really does is stress you out. There’s a famous line (to me) from Bridge of Spies that goes, “would it help to worry?” I know it’s cliche to say and the human brain can’t help but wonder and speculate. Did I talk about myself too much? Did I complement her? Does she even like complements? Is this a date to her too?
Then love progresses. You find out she does like you and thinks the same things. You learn more about each other. Faith, family, friends. Why you are the way you are. Who screwed you up for awhile if you are willing and ready to admit that. What you learned from it. What you look for now. At this stage, the second guessing should dissipate a bit. You no longer wonder if she’s really into you or not.
You then imagine a life together if things progress on (or even if they don’t lets be honest, we all fantasize and plan in our heads). How many pets? Kids? Where’s the wedding going to be? Will her siblings accept me? (For all of those curious, yes men think these things too… at least I do. I do a lot of day dreaming and visualizing in between bouts of pure focus).
All of those questions either get answered because they are discussed and happen or they don’t. Either way, they never really work the way our minds planned them to go. Why is that? We spend so much time thinking about it. Planning our words. Discussing it. Why did it not work out the way you thought it would?
Comparison.
Idealizing the situation instead of just LIVING it and loving it for what it truly is. Comparing it to what you ultimately want and let's be honest: that will always be different than what actually happens.
Happiness is never what we could ever plan or anticipate. Just with any emotion, it comes and goes with different intensities. However, our society deems it attractive and attainable to “be happy” as if it is a permanent feeling we experience if we do a certain number of actions. Like there is some sort of key to happiness. A physical key you turn and BOOM! You’re happy all the time.
Whether it’s weight loss or happiness, we’ve been indoctrinated by instant gratification.
I think this is why honesty and loyalty are through the toilet. I’ll admit I’ve been on bumble and tinder. I always ask “what are you looking for in a guy?” The answer is always the same. Someone honest, loyal, trustworthy, etc. If we are all looking for the same thing, why is it so hard to find?
It comes back to a preconceived notion of happiness as a permanent state of being. If someone doesn’t make you happy anymore, it’s easier to find it somewhere else temporary and bounce around than to work on the actual relationship. In case you don’t see the yo-yo diet comparison here, I’ll explain that too. Individuals go on diets all the time, lose some weight, but give up because they can’t adhere to it, then they gain the weight back.
Won’t get into how screwed up metabolisms are from that, but you understand my point. We believe there is a magic diet that will solve all of our problems. We also believe in a single person out there who is perfect for you that will complete you. One exercise program that will get you completely jacked. One business plan model that will make you millions.
All of it is crap.
Nothing is perfect and nothing should be. Happiness on the emotion scale isn't perfection. It's when like Gary V said that the only thing that remains is YOUR VOICE and that voice ISN'T JUDGING YOU. To judge is to compare instead of simply being.
That is why Cloud 9 doesn’t charge rent. You won’t be there long enough to stay. The goal is to frequent as much as possible and that takes mental work. It takes a mental shift that it’s possible for aspects of your life not to be perfect, but they are perfect in their own imperfect way. Those that value improvement over perfection visit Cloud 9 far more often than those who don’t. Striving for perfection allows grace. Grace in knowing you still have work to do but you have a high standard for yourself.